1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:30,000 #1: So yeah, that's the crack. Ah, good now. What do you do anyway, man? What do I do? What do I do? Yeah. Well, anything that needs shaking round this town, I shake it. Yeah? Anything that needs moving, I'll move it. Shake a lamb's tail, would you? I'll shake any bit of the lamb at all, really. Not fussy. Fair enough. I wouldn't ask no more, man. Can't be fussy at my age. Sexy Mike. Shcript. Well, you know, what can I say? From an early age I was you. 2 00:00:30,000 --> 00:01:00,000 . Yeah, Cuffey, there's only four lads here. Not my problem, man. 3 00:01:00,000 --> 00:01:30,000 It's too late now. There's only four here. Good luck. Kofi, no, he's not happy. He sorts out the deal and he's not happy. Well, we're gonna just have to go by. If these boys... I can't get done for bringing boys into town. Again. Not again. 4 00:01:30,000 --> 00:02:00,000 The dream is over man, the dream is over. What about my dream Eddie? You fucking everything up. What's the problem man? 5 00:02:00,000 --> 00:02:30,000 So you got people in the door didn't ya? And you got money for yourself. It's not enough for you now my resume and my clothes lie. Do you think you got problems man? I'm on the come down right? I got a big giant after me and I'm not even gonna go to beta 'cause the dream is slipping out me hands man. Yeah, big deal man. You don't use your brain man. 6 00:02:30,000 --> 00:03:00,000 The people in the door, man, you wanted money and you got money out of it. I don't know what your problem is, man. It's not enough. Normal restaurant is closed. Listen, you think you got problems, man? I've got a giant after me and a trip to a beat is stepping through his fingers. Yeah! Big deal, man. It's your own fault. You don't use your brain, man. You can't just frat it out of your face, man. Oh... Schnell. Langsam. It's like a picker. 7 00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:30,000 ... 8 00:03:30,000 --> 00:04:00,000 I'm going to the reals! 9 00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:30,000 : So what countries have you visited then? I've been to all of them. Not in the physical sense, mostly in the mind. And I go to these places and I learn a lot. Mostly on the internet now. The world wide web. So what advice would you give to Eddie Durkin? Eddie Durkin now needs a lot of advice. He's torn between the idea of getting a job and actually getting up in the morning and doing the job. 10 00:04:30,000 --> 00:05:00,000 pfel: He has the wheels that he has to look after, and he has that lady that he has to look after. He's like a big strong ox of a man with red hair on top of a mountain balancing eels. It's going every angle and he can't quite get his footing right. And if the house of cards falls, he's fucked. No way back. But anyways boys, this is the business plan. A lot of fucking long hours went into this. That's the first page there now. 11 00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:30,000 These pictures are all off the internet. This fella here, he's from West Africa. These ladies here, in traditional headdress. These boys here, fairly strong old fellas, that's George Bush in the middle. Everyone's getting on, all friends. See this fella here now, Maasai warrior. There. This page here now, that's the food that we'd be providing. Good stuff. See the fish, the eyes taken out and everything. Probably be choking tonight. We have some curry there now. There's cumin. 12 00:05:30,620 --> 00:06:00,000 It's like this is kind of like a bit of coriander in there as well. Curry, that stuff looks like shite now but it's actually kind of hummus thing. But it does look like, yeah it does. We'd maybe want to spruce that up a bit. Then now we proceed onto the business part. This is the bit where you make the profit. The other stuff is good because it has the feeling that the passion is in the other side. This is the money, hard cash, currency. 13 00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:30,000 It's not only being made so the businessman is also smiling This here now another place that we have I don't know where that is but see all the families and stuff enjoying themselves this two women I don't know where they're related or Could be going out together. I don't know. I don't know who it is But they seem to be smiling as well And that's that's what we were going for these ones here now that they might be having a business 14 00:06:30,000 --> 00:07:00,000 . See them all clinking the glass together. They've made a business deal. Just like I have. It's a fucking good business deal as well. This woman here, she looks, leave her outfit. This is some of the calculations I did. 200 multiplied by 20. It came out good there now. And that's all profit. That's all fucking profit. So how long you known Eddie Durkin? Eddie! I've known Eddie since God was a boy. We were in the same maths class together. He's got a good old heart. You know? 15 00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:30,000 He'd sleep on the ground like. One nice lump of steak there. And one dozen raw eggs. Oh, eggs first. Yeah, Alexis. Need that. For medicinal purposes. 16 00:07:30,000 --> 00:08:00,000 I promise you won't you won't enjoy it, I promise you I won't. I won't. Just a talk. Very pleasure. I've never seen the likes of it. Gender is the day. Oh yeah. 17 00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:30,000 I just didn't know that drink though. Eat off the rest of that food, Lexus. 18 00:08:30,000 --> 00:09:00,000 You're going to be king of the town yet. And next up we have stateside. And what have you come as? Johnny Depp. I wanna know things. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. What in the fuck was that? I'd like to see you do better. Better at what? Ah, fuck off. Fuck off is it? 19 00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:30,000 . I tell you what, you fuck off. Get the fuck out of my pub. Go on, go, get the fuck out. Next up, Eddie Hobbs. And next up, people, we've got the Stig. Are you really the Stig? Yeah, I am. For contractual reasons, I can't show my fourth face. 20 00:09:30,000 --> 00:10:00,000 It's like Joel Peschey. 21 00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:30,000 : What do you mean? He's gotta go! Get him off! Get him off! Get out! Get out! Up next, people, we've got Tobey Maguire! How's it going? 22 00:10:30,000 --> 00:11:00,000 : Here, Scorp. Nice one, man. Nice one. Ching ching. Good lad. Fucking hell, man. What the fuck was that? Red ring. Oh, Jesus. You're red in your ring later on. What's up, Scorp? I'm a fucking lad. Oh, my gosh. Oh, me, man, I'm off. You fucking-- Oh, it's just playing up on me, man. 23 00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:30,000 in my dad! 24 00:11:30,000 --> 00:12:00,000 ############################################################################################################################################################################################################################ 25 00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:30,000 You take away from that stuff now clog your veins man. Fuck you man don't tell me what to do. 26 00:12:30,000 --> 00:13:00,000 - It's a day for the ducks. It's a day for the ducks more like. Lexus! - You're cute. - Stand back, lad. - Who's that? - How are you, Lexus? - Who's that? - It's me, your cousin, Eddie. 27 00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:30,000 You know your uncle Mick. French toast. Buzz. I do. Help me out. Goodbye. Help me out. Come on. Help me out. Come on, French. How you doing there, Alexis? Hold on, Alexis. Hold on. Hold on. We're here to help you off the... Be cute. Be cute. We're trusting you. That's a white headlock. We're trusting you. We're helping you off the rope, Lex. 28 00:13:30,000 --> 00:14:00,000 Ok, ok, ok. We're trusting you. This is part of the negotiations now. You won't be getting any more ale after today, right? We're here to help you off the rope. I didn't eat the breakfast in fear I couldn't drink the can. I'm up here lads. I've tied myself back up again. Right. 29 00:14:00,000 --> 00:14:30,000 Who the fuck is Matt Talbot? Matt Talbot? That's the Dublin lad that tied himself to the railings one time to keep himself off the drink. Well, we need you for King of the Town, Lexus. You make us proud yet. Pride and glory. That's the man we need, lads. There's no way I could buy a man like that. That man is going to win King of the Town. Would you want to buy a man like that? He's just what we're looking for. He's more like King of the Beasts. I'll tell you what he is, lads. He's a raw diamond. 30 00:14:30,000 --> 00:15:00,000 - But we'll put a shine on him. - That's the talk. - We'll put a shine on him. - We certainly will. We'll cut him down to size, will we? - There's no doubt about it. - No, there's not. - I'll tell you, I know a good one when I see him, and he's a good one. - They'll be training in him, I reckon. - Yeah, well, sure. - He's a fine schlab of a man, though, Mick. - Oh, fuck. - Will he come back, like? - The hand quarter of the plump. - He'd be back, he'd be back for the dinner. He's back every evening for the dinner, it doesn't matter. He'd be back. - What would you feed him there, Mick? Would it be old bits of parsnips and carrots and that? 31 00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:30,000 : Yeah, once you go black, you never go back. That's what they say, though. And a lump of raw steak and raw eggs, lads. Castletown's finest. You know, they all... What about the veg? Castletown Eisners. That's the one. No veg, no? Not really. Not really. Veg takes too long to eat. Digestion. It needs a quick burst of protein. Quick burst of protein. 32 00:15:30,000 --> 00:16:00,000 I had an awful dose of the old trap one there last night. It's a bad old dude that hey. It's over fierce and indigestion. Pork poiser, antemone, onions and garlic and that pepperoni, a soiling killer. That's a tragedy. A man can't even eat what he likes these days. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 33 00:16:00,000 --> 00:16:30,000 . You're weeping like a child. What are you worrying about? I do, kid. Come on in. It's a smart guy, is it? Don't drink too much now, right? You need your wits about you. All right. Listen, man, I got them Kalashnikovs there on import from Far East Russia, so they should be in on Tuesday. Would it be all right if we bring this lad in for training for King of the Town? 34 00:16:30,000 --> 00:17:00,000 I want him to win it. It's a bit weird in the rope and everything. I'll tell you, it is weird. It is weird. But he puts himself on the rope. He's a fucking attention seeker. Plus, I think the guns will calm him down. And he's not a bad lad. He's just a bit nuts-eyed at the minute. Oh, yeah, sure. Fire away. Lexus, Lexus. Calm, calm, calm. Safe word. Safe word. We give him the smell and salt just to calm him down. Just to calm him down. Just to calm him down. We say the word safe word because the last time he forgot the safe word. 35 00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:30,000 are their ones that are going to the end of the day but he's just took a wrong turn there in life. We're gonna try and get him back. It's okay Lexus, man. It's okay. They're gonna show us a few weapons. We'll train you up for the king of the town. 36 00:17:30,000 --> 00:18:00,000 I'm on you fuck. Town is full of hard men, you know what I'm saying? Anyway, cash is king. I gotta go. Well, that's understood, man. I understand that. 37 00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:30,000 I got the fish tank, I got the fish tank. Right, are these boys, what kind of environment do they need to live in or food or stuff? Well if you don't care I don't care, right? The fish tank is got anyway, good luck. That's Kofi there. Not a man for particulars at all. How's it going man? My name's Eddie Durkin. Welcome to Castletown. They say memories are like haunted places. Full of all ghosts and skeletons. There's some shy crack and there's some grey crack. 38 00:18:30,000 --> 00:19:00,000 . It's like Tom Hanks and the boys. Life is like a chocolate bar. You never know which one your old lady's gonna get. But I can't complain, man. Neither can this boy hear. How are you getting on? My name is Eddie Durkin. And this is my town. They say memories are like haunted places. And this place is full of old ghosts and skeletons. 39 00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:30,000 to the envelope. We'd go places. There's been some shy crack, but there's been some grey crack. And I show you a bit of crack. So welcome to the town, Mum. Big shout out to all the lads from Castle Bar, from Ballyhornis, from Balladrain, from Bell, from Charlestown, from Swinford, from Castle Town. Are you handy? Can you stand your ground? 40 00:19:30,000 --> 00:20:00,000 "Did you hard enough? Are you tough enough? Can you stand your ground? Well come here and prove it. Enter King in the Town competition. Have you been on a lash for more than 72 hours straight? Do you know anyone that has? Do you shift girls at discos? Well come on, prove it. It's a big competition, lads. Lots of money up for grabs. 5,000 large ones. 41 00:20:00,000 --> 00:20:30,000 for the king of the town. How's love of your life? Oh man, I never felt like this about anything. No? No. She's a serious bit of stuff. I got her a new skirt the other day, man. You want to see the curves on her? Sure, I seen you downtown with her the last day and all the lads looking. Yeah, man. Gawking at her. I've seen the eyes dropping out their heads like. So how's she keeping? Oh, she's looking good, man. Yeah? She's looking very good. Got her a new skirt the other day, like. 42 00:20:30,000 --> 00:21:00,000 Yeah? Yeah? Could I get a look one of the times? Oh yeah, man. You wouldn't mind? I'll bring in a few photographs next time. Do. Tell you what, man. Nothing more I like than looking at other people's rides. Man, you want to see the curves on her? Yeah? I wore a new skirt the other day, man. She can go like the clappers. Are you serious, yeah? Every time I saw her, I thought, she'd go, man. I'm sorry, man. She's yours and everything, but I'd love to give her just one good going over. Would you mind that? I would, man. 43 00:21:00,000 --> 00:21:30,000 to be honest with you like you know I know you're a mate and everything like but could get a bit weird afterwards like you know you might get feelings and all that like. Just a once off. Let me do my business and I'll go. How is she keeping her eye? She's nice man. Yeah. Would you give us a go on her? Huh? Give us a little shot of her like. What are you talking about man? I'll get back to you. No man. Please. That's a bit too weird like. Why would that be weird? You know someone ever before you. Yeah but like I did 44 00:21:30,000 --> 00:22:00,000 - I don't want to think about that. I wouldn't write her off or anything like. Man, that's not going to happen. She's mine, right? One solid dollar, hour inside her. That's all I want. You're scumbag, man. Shake the paw that shook me lad. You're a fucking scumbag, man. I love you. We're both scumbags. Fair enough. That's why I want to get a shot inside her. Hey, I told you before, man. What? Don't be talking about her like that. I'll fill her up after. 45 00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:30,000 : Five heavy kids! No way man! I didn't know there was money involved. That'll get us to a beta man. But we need to think fast. Money for the queens out there. Gays? No, like sex women. Oh, sex women. Eddie, when are you going to cop on to yourself? I'm sick to death of this carry-on now. I'm not getting any younger. 46 00:22:30,000 --> 00:23:00,000 : You listening to your mother now? Yeah. Are you listening to what she's telling you? I am. I'm sick of being called in here every time you were on bother too. 39 people arrested last night in the town. At that frickin African boom party or whatever it was. You could have been picked up and arrested and charged last night, you know that, don't you? Even the hippies for the bypass, the poor things, they were all arrested. 47 00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:30,000 The tropeats that were found in the skip up the town. The two dead crocodiles. No, I didn't. They were 12 foot long. What kind of agents are you bringing around the place? 48 00:23:30,000 --> 00:24:00,000 of the book. When I was your age, I had a wife and I had my house built. And here are you now, and you have your mother's heart broken. And who's this big German buck? He's not German, he's Ukrainian. But he was around here last night, and your mother had to chase him away with the brush. What kind of aegis are you? 49 00:24:00,000 --> 00:24:30,000 and make this family proud. You'll make us proud next week when you win that King of the Town competition and you will win that prize. That's the top and bottom of it Eddie. King of the Town? Only the most ignorant bastards aren't at Adlake. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. 50 00:24:30,000 --> 00:25:00,000 It's not gonna kill me. Come on! Keep going, man! Out of your wrist! Fucking hell, man! Would you watch the wrist? Come on! You're nearly there, man! You're nearly there! Nearly! Nearly! Come on! Come on! 51 00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:30,000 I was out of the way I got one of the way I think I was like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, 52 00:25:30,000 --> 00:26:00,000 . You're serious, yeah? You should have stuck around for the few pints, like. Yeah? Yeah, I mean, I was getting a touch-up off one of them. Just, you know, around the waist, like. I love that shit, man. You know, I'm sure I can't do anything. I've got no way, like. Yeah. Yeah, I've had a few pints more, who knows what would happen, like. Yeah? Could have even got myself a wank, like, you know. I like that talk. Yeah, sure does this weekend to look forward to, I suppose. Yeah, put a finger in my bag. If you want, like, but we'll have to go out to Castle Barber with that crack. 53 00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:30,000 I think I wear a fucking Celtic shirt so. Yeah, I think you better. Should I get where them jeans I got there? Dones is it? Yeah. Yeah, do they have the ones that you cut the flares into? Yeah, that's right, yeah, they put a patch of footballers on it. Oh man. It's more fashionable like. My favourite ones, you know, the kicker shoes that you have? Yeah. See, I'm not going to cut these because they're real good jeans like. Right. I was just going to cut like a big line up the side. Can you come over to the house before I go out and show me how to get dressed? I will, yeah. Go on. I got a few men's magazines there like, just look at them and then they're 54 00:26:30,000 --> 00:27:00,000 The magazines are like the magazines, like the magazines. - Brilliant. - Women love that shit. - You reckon? - Oh yeah, yeah. I like that talk. - Yeah man, no bother. - Do you want a cup of tea? - I'd love a cup, not that. - Listen, what's going on here? This is ridiculous, this is African, this is African. 55 00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:30,000 . Relax, man. What's your beef? What is your beef? There's no beef here. You don't have chicken and fufu. What's going on here, boo? Keep your corner rows on. Eddie will sort it all out. Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. This is an African. Eddie, Eddie. Eddie is a sound man. I don't know why he's going off on one there. Eddie has sorted me out. Why say Eddie or a tad? Look, look, look. It's going to be fine. Sheriff, Eddie is a sound man. Never mind those old idiots there now. That's nothing that a batter or soap or a wash wouldn't cure. This motorway is going through. And you can't have an omelette now without cracking a few skulls. 56 00:27:30,000 --> 00:28:00,000 - Don't talk about us like that, right? I will have you, son. You will pay for your grievement. I will pass you. I will pass you. I will have you, son. I will have you. Why don't you go down to the doorway now and go down to the Spanish Arch? Jesus Christ. The victim of the nature. Do you want the Ace Ventura or the Canis one? The wolf is at the door and he won't stop till his chain of destruction is realized. 57 00:28:00,000 --> 00:28:30,000 - Go on! Go on! Go on! Go on! Go on! Go on! 58 00:28:30,000 --> 00:29:00,000 I'm gonna make you a really happy boy. Me and you come back later. Yeah, we'll go back the gap. We can have a chill out session. Hi, I have an IP tongue mix and everything. It's gonna be awesome. It's gonna be all right, man. Me and you, boy. Won't be lonely anymore. Hi. Chats. Chats. Just. 59 00:29:00,000 --> 00:29:30,000 for me, just don't stop anymore. I love you. Give me a kiss. Give me a kiss. I don't know. I love you. How are you giving? Turn off that muck, man. It's been ringing in my ears the last three hours. Jesus Christ. Put it out or do something with it. It's gone. My head is mangled, man. 60 00:29:30,000 --> 00:30:00,000 How are you getting on? Not too bad, how are you? Alright now man, yeah. You have to see your brother the boys back with you? Mmm, I don't like you. Not saying much at this time though. Give us an old talky-wooky. Were you doing the taxiing today? I was, yeah. How was it going? Ah, not bad, you know. Bit of business there. Picked up Sam and the old lady. Oh yeah? I've got to ask you, did you ever get the ride out of that taxi business? No, not yet. Like, considering I'm driving around the nice and old, like, you know, the car's nice, like. 61 00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:30,000 I'd be like ketchup mayonnaise, you know. We'd all stick together like Siamese beasts or something, you know. Poor lad though was a bit naive, you know. He wouldn't be the smartest, you know. Immaturing a lot of ways, like.