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"World News"

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: A skip full of cack floats lonesomely in the river Seine, which has burst its banks. Earlier Ola went by cocky Frenchman there. It's up to his waist, but he doesn't give a rat's ass. No top on. Lunatics, or should I say lunatics? Sorry about that. It's the Chinese year of the bollocks. The Oxfam sex scandal continued to cause problems for the charity this week.

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in the box in Haiti, were you? Did you see the robots? The winter robots! Deadly! The robots are class. In a few years these things will be helping you home with the shopping. Probably smash the eggs though. I'd smash its head and then throw it in the fucking skip. What in the hell are they at over in India? Eating live chickens. It's not right and the next time I see India uptown I'm having a word. How are India? What's a crack? Seen the fucking chickens the last time

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. A poor old sausage out in Mexico has lost his marbles. I have no beans. No beans of which to give. All I have is this picture which I drew. I drew it over there. The boys are handy with the old shtick out in Kenya, aren't they? No fucking around. How you Iraq? What's the crack? See you've gone and made your own Mac, Donalds. Without permission. And you've only gone and nailed it. Great atmosphere.

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And finally, Steven Spielberg is set to shoot a scary movie in Ireland.

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... The man in the shed! What do you want? I want a sandwich. Hurry up now, I'm hungry. What do you want on it? What's in the fridge? Just cheddar. Chavin' onion. That's it. Hurry up now, I'm hungry. What are you doing in my shed? Never you mind. Look and stir the tea. Slice the bread up, would ya? Stir the sandwich. Stir the sandwich? And slice the tea. Oh, God.

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That's it. Don't try anything funny with me, just leave the sandwich down by the shed step. Now walk away. Get back in the house. That sandwich is gonna get it.