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This is World News! First off

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North Korea where Kim Jong is

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celebrating the new statue in

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his grand palace made out of

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pure marble.

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Outside the palace some

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beautiful women who definitely

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are not brainwashed lay flowers

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and bow to some more statues

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this time made out of bronze.

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Religious scenes in the

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Philippines where a load of pet

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owners brought their cats and

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dogs to mass where they were

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subsequently ridded of all sins

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by Reverend Cumberbatch.

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He also did snakes and other

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various reptiles.

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Spain now where a group of

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angry feminists stormed the

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parliament and decided to get

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their tops off and make a

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bloody big scene.

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He's not happy at all and as

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you can see that - whoa! Christ

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I'm on a bike. I know who side

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I'm on anyway.

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China and a man got stuck in a

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car apparently covered in sand

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he was.

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While people stole stuff out of

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his boot and rubbernecked.

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Fucking beeping on a lot of

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people beeping. Give over that

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beeping is covered in sand.

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Vladimir Putin doing a bit of

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shooting. He likes those guns

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doesn't he? Look at the way he

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handles that handle.

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Sexy bitch. I was protesting in

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Egypt. What's it about? I don't

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know.

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It's never long before it turns

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into violence anyway.

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Where the fuck are they at?

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Haha this is why I love America.

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There's none of this protest or

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wars or you know depressing

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kind of shite going on you know.

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It's just good. Oh look at him.

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Go backwards. Go on mate.

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Oktoberfest.

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There's the boys there now.

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Bebo, Bebo.

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Haha. Bebo, Bebo.

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They're happy though.

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So are they. And you - ooooh.

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The weather in China is

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shocking.

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Lot of water.

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Desmond Tutu was in Cape Town

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to sing happy birthday to a

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little duck called Arhar.

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Sound enough for Desmond

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actually.

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Better play to him.

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The protests now in Brazil and

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unlike the scenes that we saw

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earlier in Egypt.

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This is a fun affair. You know

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Spiderman music.

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Smoking it up.

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Sheep running water.

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It's a big laugh like.

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Oh.

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No.

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There you go again.

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Same people.

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Fucking spoiling it for the

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rest of them.

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It was going well.

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Spidey man was in.

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There were a few smokes going

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around.

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Look at that. Knackers.

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Fucking knackers.

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Where are the parents?

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This is World News.

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There was another space launch

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over in Wallops Island,

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Virginia.

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But it went tits up.

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Someone must have pressed the

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wrong button or something.

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And it exploded into a big ball

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of flames.

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They had a good view.

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Santiago, Chile now.

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Where there was a sexual

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diversity protest going on.

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Or a march or something.

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Celebration.

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Lots of interesting faces going

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on.

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And it looks nice.

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Attitudes have definitely

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changed.

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You know it was only last week

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that my grandfather said to me.

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Francis, they can do what they

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want.

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But for God's sake.

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Keep it out the schools.

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And you can see that these

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people would definitely

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disagree with that.

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Russia.

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Where a mammoth was unveiled.

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They found the remains of a

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mammoth.

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But it looked like a shitty rag.

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And it had nice ginger locks.

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And they put it in a display

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unit.

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So that people could come and

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have a look.

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But it looked very boring.

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Peru now.

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And a man throwing stones at

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the police from a rooftop.

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And they got us just desserts.

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As they finally managed to get

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up via Alada.

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And kick the fuck out of him.

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Justice was served.

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Then they demolished the house

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afterwards.

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Fair play.

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Dodgy fuckers.

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Over in Ukraine.

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What the fuck are they at?

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Are you depressed?

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Are you feeling the pinch?

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Well why not try fags today?

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They're great crack.

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Definitely causes cancer.

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Lions moments.

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And apparently when the guards

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searched the gaff.

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They found about 6 hard drives.

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Full of this stuff.

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Mmm.

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Fluoride.

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Irish water.

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Pay us.

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Or you're going to prison.

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Ukraine still.

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Where if things weren't bad

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enough.

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Darth Vader's trying to vote.

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Democracy really has taken a

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nose dive in the past while.

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And you can see why.

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I may be evil.

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But I have lived in Ukraine all

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of my life.

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I even have this passport to

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show the people at the voting

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station.

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I'm absolutely sickened.

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Hong Kong now.

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Where China men.

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We're camping out.

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In the city centre.

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Having some nice times.

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Sleeping.

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And lighting incense.

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And praying to a god.

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Best of luck with that.

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Hope it works out.

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Hope he exists.

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God.

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Radical feminists were getting

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the baps out again.

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For another juicy protest.

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Who knows what it was about.

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But they ran away.

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Looking very nice.

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Hopefully they'll be in Ireland

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very soon.

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Syria.

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Fucking tough times.

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Mentalers.

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They've got access to that shit.

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They're mental.

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Oh.

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Ebola.

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Ebola.

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Ebola.

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They haven't stopped going on

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about it.

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Everyone's shitting on about it.

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I haven't seen anyone get it.

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The Liberians are prepared

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anyway.

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They've got buckets of water.

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And fire extinguishers.

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They're praying.

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Holding hands.

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Singing songs.

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Ebola.

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It's sound in Liberia.

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This is World News.

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Christmas decorations are up in

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South Korea.

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Come on South Korea.

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It's November.

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Chill out man.

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Aleppo.

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Syria.

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Where lads are sticking a gas

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bottle on a rocket.

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Away she goes.

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Where the fuck's that going?

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The moon or something?

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Oh it's actually to kill people.

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Where lads are sticking a gas

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bottle on a rocket.

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Away she goes. Where the fuck's

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that going?

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The moon or something?

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Oh, it's actually to kill

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people.

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Cuntish.

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Lyon, France now.

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Where there was a new bridge

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unveiled to the public.

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There was lights and a big

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crowd.

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It looked very boring.

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Over in Afghanistan now, where

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lads are whipping themselves

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with knives.

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You wouldn't be spreading

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butter on your toast with those

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knives.

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Tell you.

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Fucking dodgy.

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Who's that dick?

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He looks silly.

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Back to the real wilders anyway

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over in Chicago.

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Where this man's blindfolded

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himself and he's walking across

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a wire.

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Is he gonna fall?

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Is he gonna fall?

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Is he gonna fall?

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Oh no, he made it.

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Ah well.

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Imagine if he fell.

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People are going crazy for

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abortions over in Argentina.

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Nuns with blood on their legs

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are standing around the gap.

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Saying stuff about clandestinos

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abortos.

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It's a hot potato.

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Who has the right?

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Does the woman?

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What about the baby?

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It's not even a baby though.

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It's the unborn.

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But it's my body.

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I can do what I want.

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But I'm not even a woman.

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Forget it.

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I'll leave it.

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More jig acting up in Palestine.

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Fucking West Bank.

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Which is actually an anagram of

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best wank.

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You'd move away like move away

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to a nicer place.

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A safer place.

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You did a great job of tidying

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up.

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Oh give us a rest love.

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Oh I'll give you a rest Paul.

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When you tidy up.

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You alright?

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Where have you been Paul?

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Oh just hanging out with Craig.

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Don't lie to me Craig.

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I'm not Craig and Paul.

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Tough times over in cashmere

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man.

298
00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:23,230
This lad was waving a flag and

299
00:07:23,230 --> 00:07:24,440
shouting shit.

300
00:07:24,440 --> 00:07:25,840
Then he got done in by the

301
00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:26,680
bastards.

302
00:07:26,680 --> 00:07:28,000
I once bought the owl lady a

303
00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:29,800
cashmere jumper for Christmas.

304
00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:30,600
It was expensive.

305
00:07:33,080 --> 00:07:34,360
You're dressed like chocolate.

306
00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:36,280
You taste like chocolate.

307
00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:38,120
I like your chocolate.

308
00:07:38,760 --> 00:07:40,040
You're tasty chocolate.

309
00:07:40,600 --> 00:07:41,800
I want some chocolate.

310
00:07:42,360 --> 00:07:43,320
Shpuds in Paris.

311
00:07:43,320 --> 00:07:44,930
Fucking mad farmers dumping

312
00:07:44,930 --> 00:07:46,530
them on the monuments around

313
00:07:46,530 --> 00:07:47,240
the gaff.

314
00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:48,640
You'd be a while peeling those

315
00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:49,080
boys.

316
00:07:49,080 --> 00:07:50,440
If you ever peeled a shpud.

317
00:07:50,440 --> 00:07:51,160
Takes ages.

318
00:07:51,720 --> 00:07:53,480
The fucking shades are onto you.

319
00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:54,120
India.

320
00:07:54,120 --> 00:07:55,360
Where there's a protest going

321
00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:55,560
on.

322
00:07:55,560 --> 00:07:57,000
Some sort of kissing protest.

323
00:07:57,000 --> 00:07:58,600
Bit of hugging going on as well.

324
00:07:58,600 --> 00:08:00,280
But it wasn't all good news.

325
00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:02,200
This lad got put into a van.

326
00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:02,920
By the police.

327
00:08:02,920 --> 00:08:04,010
Probably because he tried to

328
00:08:04,010 --> 00:08:04,760
slip the tongue.

329
00:08:04,760 --> 00:08:06,040
Look at that crazy fucker.

330
00:08:06,600 --> 00:08:07,720
Jazzy Jeff.

331
00:08:07,720 --> 00:08:09,480
He looks like mad crack.

332
00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:11,040
Radical feminists were out in

333
00:08:11,040 --> 00:08:12,280
Brussels for another.

334
00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:13,560
Juicy protest.

335
00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:15,000
They were fucking hell.

336
00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:15,880
Whoa.

337
00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:17,580
It wasn't long before they were

338
00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:19,320
rough and tumbled into a van.

339
00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:20,040
There's no need for that.

340
00:08:20,040 --> 00:08:20,840
You're hurting her.

341
00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:21,800
You're hurting her.

342
00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:22,520
There's no need.

343
00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:24,280
Whoa.

344
00:08:24,280 --> 00:08:24,680
Whoa.

345
00:08:26,120 --> 00:08:28,280
This is world news.

346
00:08:29,560 --> 00:08:30,660
Royal people in London enjoying

347
00:08:30,660 --> 00:08:32,220
a life of luxury at the

348
00:08:32,220 --> 00:08:33,720
taxpayers expense.

349
00:08:33,720 --> 00:08:34,920
Were out at some do.

350
00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:36,670
Where they got to meet the four

351
00:08:36,670 --> 00:08:38,360
members of One Direction.

352
00:08:38,360 --> 00:08:38,760
Zane.

353
00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:40,360
Niall.

354
00:08:40,360 --> 00:08:41,480
Space boy.

355
00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:42,280
Candlestick.

356
00:08:42,280 --> 00:08:43,320
And boo boo.

357
00:08:43,320 --> 00:08:45,560
What's going on here in China?

358
00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:46,920
Oh.

359
00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:47,480
Bit of trouble.

360
00:08:47,480 --> 00:08:48,760
Oh he's stealing her money.

361
00:08:48,760 --> 00:08:49,560
He's stealing her money.

362
00:08:49,560 --> 00:08:50,790
She's screaming like some sort

363
00:08:50,790 --> 00:08:51,900
of bird whose nest has been

364
00:08:51,900 --> 00:08:52,440
attacked.

365
00:08:52,440 --> 00:08:53,560
Is he gonna get away?

366
00:08:53,560 --> 00:08:53,880
No.

367
00:08:53,880 --> 00:08:54,950
They're kicking the shit into

368
00:08:54,950 --> 00:08:55,400
his head.

369
00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:56,920
Bit of Chinese justice there.

370
00:08:56,920 --> 00:08:58,420
Johnny Depp was dishing out an

371
00:08:58,420 --> 00:08:58,920
award.

372
00:08:58,920 --> 00:08:59,880
But he was pissed.

373
00:08:59,880 --> 00:09:01,560
Fortunately enough I was in the

374
00:09:01,560 --> 00:09:02,840
audience at the time.

375
00:09:02,840 --> 00:09:04,050
That's the weirdest microphone

376
00:09:04,050 --> 00:09:05,080
I've ever seen in my life.

377
00:09:05,080 --> 00:09:05,640
Look at this.

378
00:09:07,400 --> 00:09:07,880
I'm here.

379
00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:08,440
Right.

380
00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:09,560
Fuckin' drunk man.

381
00:09:09,560 --> 00:09:09,880
Alright.

382
00:09:12,280 --> 00:09:12,840
I am.

383
00:09:12,840 --> 00:09:14,120
Do the speech.

384
00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:15,130
I'm not very good at this kind

385
00:09:15,130 --> 00:09:15,640
of thing.

386
00:09:15,640 --> 00:09:17,720
Get off the fuckin' stage.

387
00:09:17,720 --> 00:09:19,560
I'm not very good at this.

388
00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:20,520
I'm not very good at this.

389
00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:21,560
I'm not very good at this.

390
00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:22,520
I'm not very good at this.

391
00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:23,560
I'm not very good at this.

392
00:09:23,560 --> 00:09:24,520
I'm not very good at this.

393
00:09:24,520 --> 00:09:25,560
I'm not very good at this.

394
00:09:25,560 --> 00:09:26,520
I'm not very good at this.

395
00:09:26,520 --> 00:09:27,480
I'm not very good at this.

396
00:09:27,480 --> 00:09:28,280
Yeah there you go.

397
00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:29,720
Back over in London where...

398
00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:31,320
Whoa!

399
00:09:31,320 --> 00:09:32,930
What the hell is going on over

400
00:09:32,930 --> 00:09:33,720
in London?

401
00:09:33,720 --> 00:09:35,320
Who's that one fella?

402
00:09:35,320 --> 00:09:35,960
He's cute.

403
00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:37,800
Look at that.

404
00:09:38,440 --> 00:09:39,560
Fuckin' hell it's huge.

405
00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:41,830
It's quite difficult for me at

406
00:09:41,830 --> 00:09:42,600
times.

407
00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:44,660
A lot of the time people are slagging

408
00:09:44,660 --> 00:09:44,840
me.

409
00:09:44,840 --> 00:09:46,070
Saying bad stuff like did you

410
00:09:46,070 --> 00:09:47,640
fall asleep in a greenhouse or

411
00:09:47,640 --> 00:09:49,080
what's it like up there.

412
00:09:49,080 --> 00:09:50,120
I just brush it off.

413
00:09:50,120 --> 00:09:51,480
Now we're pretty laughing.

414
00:09:51,480 --> 00:09:52,440
Goo goo ga ga.

415
00:09:53,880 --> 00:09:54,830
They've been putting the groundwork

416
00:09:54,830 --> 00:09:56,040
in over yonder.

417
00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:57,500
They've got money and they love

418
00:09:57,500 --> 00:09:58,040
killing.

419
00:09:58,040 --> 00:09:58,920
ISIS.

420
00:09:58,920 --> 00:10:00,200
They're fuckin' dodgy hey.

421
00:10:00,760 --> 00:10:02,920
We only get one shot at life.

422
00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:04,680
And the years float by quick.

423
00:10:04,680 --> 00:10:06,520
Please don't fuck it up.

424
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:09,800
Culture.

425
00:10:09,800 --> 00:10:11,000
It's boring enough.

426
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:12,600
But the boys at the G20 had to

427
00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:13,640
suffer some of it.

428
00:10:15,560 --> 00:10:16,600
Look at Putin.

429
00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:17,560
Bored as fuck.

430
00:10:17,560 --> 00:10:18,360
Having a little pic.

431
00:10:19,560 --> 00:10:20,210
Obama wants to get out of there

432
00:10:20,210 --> 00:10:21,240
you can tell.

433
00:10:22,280 --> 00:10:22,680
Shite.

434
00:10:23,240 --> 00:10:24,410
The radical feminists are at it

435
00:10:24,410 --> 00:10:25,800
again at the Vatican.

436
00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:27,480
This time shticking a crucifix

437
00:10:27,480 --> 00:10:28,680
right up their holes.

438
00:10:28,680 --> 00:10:30,680
God is not the magician.

439
00:10:30,680 --> 00:10:32,680
Pope is not the politician.

440
00:10:32,680 --> 00:10:34,680
The ladies looked very pretty

441
00:10:34,680 --> 00:10:37,560
and were whisked away in a mini-mobile.

442
00:10:37,560 --> 00:10:38,970
What did the Chinese man say

443
00:10:38,970 --> 00:10:40,200
who crossed the road?

444
00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:41,240
Wah!

445
00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:42,360
What's going on?

446
00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:44,000
Because he didn't look before

447
00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:44,840
he crossed.

448
00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:46,240
Unfortunately this lad lived to

449
00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:47,000
tell the tale.

450
00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:47,560
Look at him there on the bed.

451
00:10:47,560 --> 00:10:49,030
Sotheby's in New York now where

452
00:10:49,030 --> 00:10:50,530
frighteningly rich people who

453
00:10:50,530 --> 00:10:51,840
have no idea what it means to

454
00:10:51,840 --> 00:10:54,280
struggle in life paid big wedges

455
00:10:54,280 --> 00:10:55,800
of cash for art.

456
00:10:55,800 --> 00:10:57,150
I managed to get myself a seat

457
00:10:57,150 --> 00:10:57,960
in the crowd.

458
00:10:59,000 --> 00:10:59,880
Thank you very much indeed.

459
00:10:59,880 --> 00:11:00,680
28 million dollars.

460
00:11:00,680 --> 00:11:02,360
Are you fucking serious?

461
00:11:02,360 --> 00:11:03,800
The Jasper Johns flag here.

462
00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:04,360
Shite.

463
00:11:04,360 --> 00:11:05,480
From 1983.

464
00:11:05,480 --> 00:11:06,440
Showing behind me.

465
00:11:06,440 --> 00:11:08,520
Selling for 32 million.

466
00:11:08,520 --> 00:11:09,320
What?

467
00:11:09,320 --> 00:11:10,280
Thank you very much indeed.

468
00:11:10,280 --> 00:11:11,160
32 million.

469
00:11:12,600 --> 00:11:13,640
Fair warning.

470
00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:14,120
Are you out?

471
00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:17,880
At 40 million dollars.

472
00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:19,480
Are you fucking serious?

473
00:11:19,480 --> 00:11:20,520
Scott, thank you very much.

474
00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:21,720
L0015.

475
00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:22,040
Thank you.

476
00:11:22,040 --> 00:11:24,120
30 million.

477
00:11:24,120 --> 00:11:26,120
This is World News.

478
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:28,350
People in Athens gathered to

479
00:11:28,350 --> 00:11:30,460
pay their respects to a stone

480
00:11:30,460 --> 00:11:31,160
face.

481
00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:33,010
The significance of the stone

482
00:11:33,010 --> 00:11:34,770
face is unknown to me, but they

483
00:11:34,770 --> 00:11:35,960
seem to have great respect for

484
00:11:35,960 --> 00:11:36,280
it.

485
00:11:36,280 --> 00:11:37,800
That respectful tone turned

486
00:11:37,800 --> 00:11:39,260
sour later on in the day when

487
00:11:39,260 --> 00:11:40,620
gangs of hoodlums gave out

488
00:11:40,620 --> 00:11:41,960
stink to the police.

489
00:11:41,960 --> 00:11:43,080
Scumbags man.

490
00:11:43,080 --> 00:11:44,600
Where are the parents?

491
00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:46,340
Eskimo kisses were given out to

492
00:11:46,340 --> 00:11:48,100
the Chinese president man as he

493
00:11:48,100 --> 00:11:49,560
visited New Zealand.

494
00:11:49,560 --> 00:11:50,730
But the natives flipped out

495
00:11:50,730 --> 00:11:51,880
when he dropped a coin.

496
00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:56,160
After the mood turned sour, he

497
00:11:56,160 --> 00:11:59,160
went back to China.

498
00:12:04,440 --> 00:12:05,810
The Africans probably don't

499
00:12:05,810 --> 00:12:07,540
know it's Christmas, because it's

500
00:12:07,540 --> 00:12:08,200
November.

501
00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:09,690
30 years ago it was class rock

502
00:12:09,690 --> 00:12:10,950
stars queuing up to sing this

503
00:12:10,950 --> 00:12:11,400
song.

504
00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:12,640
But now it seems it's just a

505
00:12:12,640 --> 00:12:14,680
bunch of plastic top 10 knob-ends,

506
00:12:14,680 --> 00:12:15,890
all of whom were too important

507
00:12:15,890 --> 00:12:15,960
to

508
00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:16,990
give the cameras a moment of

509
00:12:16,990 --> 00:12:17,960
their precious time.

510
00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:19,380
The only star who could be arse

511
00:12:19,380 --> 00:12:20,690
stopping and chatting was a

512
00:12:20,690 --> 00:12:22,120
confused looking mid-year,

513
00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:23,400
who compared the whole affair

514
00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:24,360
to a jigsaw puzzle.

515
00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:25,800
It's like a jigsaw puzzle.

516
00:12:25,800 --> 00:12:27,120
If you don't fancy donating to

517
00:12:27,120 --> 00:12:28,420
that jigsaw puzzle of a song,

518
00:12:28,420 --> 00:12:29,650
and let's face it, if you're

519
00:12:29,650 --> 00:12:30,040
watching this,

520
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:31,080
you probably won't.

521
00:12:31,080 --> 00:12:32,900
Head over to msf.a and donate

522
00:12:32,900 --> 00:12:34,120
to the Ebola boys.

523
00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:34,920
Palestine.

524
00:12:35,560 --> 00:12:37,480
Young fella, vandalising a wall.

525
00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:38,700
It's where the wall was ruining

526
00:12:38,700 --> 00:12:39,920
his life or something, the way

527
00:12:39,920 --> 00:12:40,760
he's hitting it.

528
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:41,800
Sierra Leone.

529
00:12:42,760 --> 00:12:43,880
Our ship has docked.

530
00:12:45,480 --> 00:12:45,800
Hello.

531
00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:48,440
A few trucks.

532
00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:50,520
Getting off.

533
00:12:52,520 --> 00:12:52,680
No, I'm not sure what's going

534
00:12:52,680 --> 00:12:53,800
on, sorry.

535
00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:56,520
Well then.

536
00:12:56,520 --> 00:12:57,720
How are you, my love?

537
00:12:57,720 --> 00:12:58,680
Pissed again, Paul.

538
00:12:58,680 --> 00:12:59,320
That's great, isn't it?

539
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:00,440
Come on, I've only had one.

540
00:13:03,080 --> 00:13:02,970
Don't worry about our Derek,

541
00:13:02,970 --> 00:13:05,880
his bark's worse than his bite.

542
00:13:05,880 --> 00:13:07,470
Don't call an ambulance, Derek's

543
00:13:07,470 --> 00:13:08,440
just bit someone.

544
00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:10,360
You alright?

545
00:13:10,360 --> 00:13:11,240
What time do you call this?

546
00:13:11,240 --> 00:13:12,370
Come on, love, you know I don't

547
00:13:12,370 --> 00:13:13,000
have a watch.

548
00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:14,280
We should buy one.

549
00:13:14,280 --> 00:13:15,320
So you could tell time.

550
00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:17,800
Jerusalem.

551
00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:19,230
It's hard to believe that this

552
00:13:19,230 --> 00:13:20,760
is a city where Jesus lived.

553
00:13:21,320 --> 00:13:22,360
The state of it now, man.

554
00:13:23,320 --> 00:13:24,120
Christ.

555
00:13:24,120 --> 00:13:25,940
Over in Prague now, where the

556
00:13:25,940 --> 00:13:27,640
Czech president was given a

557
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:28,600
reality check.

558
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:29,910
When his own people started

559
00:13:29,910 --> 00:13:31,160
throwing fruit at him.

560
00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:32,530
Maybe he should have checked

561
00:13:32,530 --> 00:13:33,800
his policies a bit better.

562
00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:35,320
Or took a rain check.

563
00:13:35,320 --> 00:13:36,310
Apparently he was trying to

564
00:13:36,310 --> 00:13:37,460
unveil a plaque, but he had to

565
00:13:37,460 --> 00:13:38,610
get the boys with the brollies

566
00:13:38,610 --> 00:13:39,160
out again.

567
00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:41,160
Check that one out.

568
00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:42,680
Whoa.

569
00:13:43,560 --> 00:13:43,960
Boom.

570
00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:46,360
Boom, shake, shake, shake the

571
00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:47,000
room.

572
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:50,360
Tick, tick, tick, tick, boom.

573
00:13:50,360 --> 00:13:51,660
They don't have Will Smith in

574
00:13:51,660 --> 00:13:52,120
Syria.

575
00:13:52,840 --> 00:13:54,210
And even if they did, I don't

576
00:13:54,210 --> 00:13:56,200
think he'd change much anyway.

577
00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:57,720
Back in Sierra Leone anyway.

578
00:13:58,280 --> 00:13:59,560
Got a waiting round going on.

579
00:13:59,560 --> 00:14:00,840
Oh, a box has arrived.

580
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:01,640
I don't know what's in it.

581
00:14:01,640 --> 00:14:03,480
I don't know if these lads know.

582
00:14:03,480 --> 00:14:04,280
No.

583
00:14:05,560 --> 00:14:06,200
It's a mystery.

584
00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:07,810
Radical feminists were doing

585
00:14:07,810 --> 00:14:09,360
the rounds over in Italy again

586
00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:10,120
this week.

587
00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:11,550
This time storming a chat show

588
00:14:11,550 --> 00:14:12,850
to give out shtink about the

589
00:14:12,850 --> 00:14:13,320
Pope.

590
00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:15,660
Femin fucks the Pope, but with

591
00:14:15,660 --> 00:14:16,600
condoms.

592
00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:18,020
And with that they dished out a

593
00:14:18,020 --> 00:14:19,480
load of Johnnies and left.

594
00:14:19,480 --> 00:14:19,960
Mmm.

595
00:14:19,960 --> 00:14:21,650
The piano man himself, Billy

596
00:14:21,650 --> 00:14:23,180
Joel, received a Gershwin

597
00:14:23,180 --> 00:14:25,000
lifetime achievement jug.

598
00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:26,560
The cue-balled ivory tinkler

599
00:14:26,560 --> 00:14:28,660
was joined on stage by Kevin Spaceman,

600
00:14:28,660 --> 00:14:30,480
who proceeded to wrap his lips

601
00:14:30,480 --> 00:14:31,820
around Joel's organ and give it

602
00:14:31,820 --> 00:14:32,920
a bloody good blow.

603
00:14:34,600 --> 00:14:37,750
Spaceman, I always wanted you

604
00:14:37,750 --> 00:14:39,960
to blow on my organ.

605
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:43,400
This is world news.

606
00:14:45,160 --> 00:14:46,600
Ring out the bells.

607
00:14:46,600 --> 00:14:48,040
The new year is here.

608
00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:51,160
It's the first of the first, 21/6.

609
00:14:51,160 --> 00:14:53,580
And what better way to spend it

610
00:14:53,580 --> 00:14:56,140
than to take photographs of old

611
00:14:56,140 --> 00:14:57,240
men in briefs,

612
00:14:58,760 --> 00:15:00,360
jumping off bridges into rivers.

613
00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:02,490
I don't think I'd dive in there

614
00:15:02,490 --> 00:15:03,320
myself.

615
00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:04,930
It's probably infested with

616
00:15:04,930 --> 00:15:05,480
rats.

617
00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:07,320
No offence Roe, but it's a city

618
00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:07,960
river.

619
00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:09,890
The crack is 90 over in North

620
00:15:09,890 --> 00:15:12,020
Korea, and definitely not coerced

621
00:15:12,020 --> 00:15:13,830
or scary, as they rang in the

622
00:15:13,830 --> 00:15:16,150
new year by exploding a thermonuclear

623
00:15:16,150 --> 00:15:17,870
weapon designed to eradicate

624
00:15:17,870 --> 00:15:19,350
human life on a depressing

625
00:15:19,350 --> 00:15:19,960
scale.

626
00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:21,590
The apocalyptic pyrotechnics

627
00:15:21,590 --> 00:15:23,420
continued with cruise missiles,

628
00:15:23,420 --> 00:15:25,000
tanks, carpet bombs, other

629
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:26,460
missiles with shitty sound

630
00:15:26,460 --> 00:15:28,520
effects, more tanks, and

631
00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:30,520
frightening things.

632
00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:33,720
Well done, you mad bastard.

633
00:15:33,720 --> 00:15:35,610
A lonesome figure wades through

634
00:15:35,610 --> 00:15:37,800
mounds of shite in the river Seine.

635
00:15:37,800 --> 00:15:39,040
They'd been draining it and

636
00:15:39,040 --> 00:15:40,120
looking for goodies.

637
00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:42,270
But I tell you this, they found

638
00:15:42,270 --> 00:15:43,160
fuck all.

639
00:15:43,160 --> 00:15:44,190
They should have told those

640
00:15:44,190 --> 00:15:45,220
tourists on the bridge that

641
00:15:45,220 --> 00:15:46,160
they were just looking at

642
00:15:46,160 --> 00:15:46,760
modern art.

643
00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:48,430
The French are good at that,

644
00:15:48,430 --> 00:15:49,320
aren't they?

645
00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:49,720
Yeah.

646
00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:52,200
A bit of modern art by Marcel Dueswamp.

647
00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:53,990
Perhaps the most astonishing

648
00:15:53,990 --> 00:15:55,520
discovery was that of actual

649
00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:56,680
live creatures.

650
00:15:56,680 --> 00:15:58,360
God only knows what lives they've

651
00:15:58,360 --> 00:15:59,620
had up until now, and the

652
00:15:59,620 --> 00:16:01,000
future doesn't look bright

653
00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:02,660
either, as they were rounded up

654
00:16:02,660 --> 00:16:04,200
and fucked into a tributary.

655
00:16:05,880 --> 00:16:06,840
Balloons!

656
00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:09,130
In Switzerland, would you

657
00:16:09,130 --> 00:16:09,640
believe.

658
00:16:10,600 --> 00:16:11,840
They're big, round, and full of

659
00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:12,600
hot air.

660
00:16:13,480 --> 00:16:15,240
A bit like Donald Trump, huh?

661
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:18,520
Bit of a politics joke.

662
00:16:20,040 --> 00:16:21,400
Capture the time that's in it.

663
00:16:22,200 --> 00:16:23,140
Although this scene has nothing

664
00:16:23,140 --> 00:16:24,600
to do with Donald Trump.

665
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:28,910
And, uh, we'll come back here

666
00:16:28,910 --> 00:16:30,430
when we find out what's going

667
00:16:30,430 --> 00:16:30,760
on.

668
00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:32,630
Irrefutable proof now that

669
00:16:32,630 --> 00:16:34,830
Europe's Schengen Zone borders

670
00:16:34,830 --> 00:16:36,960
are absolutely buckling under

671
00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:39,420
the intense pressure of loads

672
00:16:39,420 --> 00:16:42,180
of happy looking children with

673
00:16:42,180 --> 00:16:43,480
snowballs.

674
00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:45,470
Happy, they just want to have a

675
00:16:45,470 --> 00:16:46,440
happy life.

676
00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:48,240
But we can't have that in

677
00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:49,080
Europe.

678
00:16:49,080 --> 00:16:50,680
Close the borders to fuck.

679
00:16:50,680 --> 00:16:52,600
The borders are fucked.

680
00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:53,800
Let these people in.

681
00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:54,840
It's a hot potato.

682
00:16:54,840 --> 00:16:56,120
It's not a potato.

683
00:16:56,120 --> 00:16:57,240
It's a crisis.

684
00:16:57,240 --> 00:16:59,400
We cannot deal with this influx.

685
00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:00,890
I don't think you grasp the levity

686
00:17:00,890 --> 00:17:01,320
of it.

687
00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:02,920
The Schengen was built to fail.

688
00:17:02,920 --> 00:17:04,120
I was talking to Schengen the

689
00:17:04,120 --> 00:17:04,760
last night.

690
00:17:04,760 --> 00:17:06,040
He said it's sound.

691
00:17:06,040 --> 00:17:06,840
One word.

692
00:17:06,840 --> 00:17:07,560
Cologne.

693
00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:08,580
And we all know what happened

694
00:17:08,580 --> 00:17:09,320
there, don't we?

695
00:17:09,320 --> 00:17:10,040
Bad.

696
00:17:10,040 --> 00:17:10,520
Shit.

697
00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:12,040
Think we know who created it?

698
00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:12,680
Yeah, men.

699
00:17:12,680 --> 00:17:13,870
There was a different group of

700
00:17:13,870 --> 00:17:14,200
men.

701
00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:15,560
It was a kind of subsection.

702
00:17:15,560 --> 00:17:16,820
You want to pin cologne on just

703
00:17:16,820 --> 00:17:18,120
the refugees, don't you?

704
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:19,640
I'm not even a fucking racist,

705
00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:20,040
man.

706
00:17:20,040 --> 00:17:21,290
TED Talks are all the rage

707
00:17:21,290 --> 00:17:23,150
these days, with Manika Lewinsky

708
00:17:23,150 --> 00:17:24,540
being the latest celeb to

709
00:17:24,540 --> 00:17:25,720
spread her shite.

710
00:17:25,720 --> 00:17:26,940
Luckily, I got a seat in the

711
00:17:26,940 --> 00:17:27,400
crowd.

712
00:17:27,400 --> 00:17:29,890
You're looking at a woman who

713
00:17:29,890 --> 00:17:31,770
was publicly silent for a

714
00:17:31,770 --> 00:17:32,440
decade.

715
00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:33,240
I wonder why.

716
00:17:33,240 --> 00:17:36,410
At the age of 22, I fell in

717
00:17:36,410 --> 00:17:38,680
love with my boss.

718
00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:40,680
Tell us something we don't know.

719
00:17:40,680 --> 00:17:44,910
He was charming, and I was flattered,

720
00:17:44,910 --> 00:17:46,760
and I declined.

721
00:17:46,760 --> 00:17:47,800
Did you fuck?

722
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:50,260
You know what his unsuccessful

723
00:17:50,260 --> 00:17:51,800
pickup line was?

724
00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:53,800
Do you like cigars?

725
00:17:59,800 --> 00:18:01,800
I regret that mistake deeply.

726
00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:03,800
Sorry, I was just being a prick.

727
00:18:03,800 --> 00:18:05,800
In 1998.

728
00:18:05,800 --> 00:18:08,100
Sorry. I never really wanted to

729
00:18:08,100 --> 00:18:08,800
be there.

730
00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:10,310
It was the hottest ticket in

731
00:18:10,310 --> 00:18:12,140
town. Zayn Malik interviewed by

732
00:18:12,140 --> 00:18:13,500
Zayn Lowell, presumably to find

733
00:18:13,500 --> 00:18:14,330
out who's the biggest Zayn in

734
00:18:14,330 --> 00:18:14,800
the arse.

735
00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:16,140
Democracy in a creative

736
00:18:16,140 --> 00:18:18,280
environment is tough, man. You've

737
00:18:18,280 --> 00:18:20,010
got to really believe in what's

738
00:18:20,010 --> 00:18:20,800
going on.

739
00:18:20,800 --> 00:18:22,500
I think that's game, set and

740
00:18:22,500 --> 00:18:24,310
match Zayn Lowell. It was hard

741
00:18:24,310 --> 00:18:25,550
not to like the doe-eyed,

742
00:18:25,550 --> 00:18:27,190
nervous schoolboy naivety of Zayn

743
00:18:27,190 --> 00:18:27,800
Malik.

744
00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:30,800
I, you know, like...

745
00:18:30,800 --> 00:18:32,480
Whose mumblings were so boring,

746
00:18:32,480 --> 00:18:33,920
Zayn Lowell even had to start

747
00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:35,060
answering his own shit

748
00:18:35,060 --> 00:18:35,800
questions.

749
00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:37,150
Do they actually sit you down

750
00:18:37,150 --> 00:18:38,510
and go, look, is there ever a

751
00:18:38,510 --> 00:18:40,010
conversation where they go, you

752
00:18:40,010 --> 00:18:41,330
know, this isn't writing by

753
00:18:41,330 --> 00:18:42,930
committee here, you know, or at

754
00:18:42,930 --> 00:18:43,800
least not this committee.

755
00:18:43,800 --> 00:18:44,980
There's a committee over here

756
00:18:44,980 --> 00:18:46,110
that are going to take care of

757
00:18:46,110 --> 00:18:46,800
these songs.

758
00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:47,590
Because, right, songs get

759
00:18:47,590 --> 00:18:48,390
written in different ways all

760
00:18:48,390 --> 00:18:48,800
the time.

761
00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:49,690
And by the way, songs get

762
00:18:49,690 --> 00:18:50,720
written by a lot of people all

763
00:18:50,720 --> 00:18:51,430
the time that aren't

764
00:18:51,430 --> 00:18:52,360
necessarily in a band like

765
00:18:52,360 --> 00:18:52,800
yours.

766
00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:53,440
Wow, thanks for clearing that

767
00:18:53,440 --> 00:18:55,010
up, Lowell. You pseudo-streetwise

768
00:18:55,010 --> 00:18:56,800
self-important know-it-all.

769
00:18:56,800 --> 00:18:58,490
Malik released his first ever

770
00:18:58,490 --> 00:19:00,250
song the day after. And here's

771
00:19:00,250 --> 00:19:01,600
the video. It's the usual high

772
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:03,220
budget, rigorously edited, graded

773
00:19:03,220 --> 00:19:04,480
and packaged promo that we've

774
00:19:04,480 --> 00:19:05,950
come to expect from the 9/11

775
00:19:05,950 --> 00:19:06,800
generation.

776
00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:09,000
It features lots of nudity, moody

777
00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:10,960
kissing, black tears, fanny

778
00:19:10,960 --> 00:19:12,990
flowers, and very well-penned

779
00:19:12,990 --> 00:19:13,800
lyrics.

780
00:19:18,800 --> 00:19:20,760
My verdict? Absolute shite.

781
00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:21,800
Give it a miss.

782
00:19:21,800 --> 00:19:23,780
You join us for the annual

783
00:19:23,780 --> 00:19:26,250
Blessing of the Lambs. Watched

784
00:19:26,250 --> 00:19:27,600
on there by the Vicar of Tiefly

785
00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:29,080
and Brother Tuck of the Diocese

786
00:19:29,080 --> 00:19:29,800
of Bleat.

787
00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:31,750
As Papa San Francisco himself

788
00:19:31,750 --> 00:19:33,900
enters the decadent gold-plated

789
00:19:33,900 --> 00:19:36,220
belfry greeting Sister's sledge,

790
00:19:36,220 --> 00:19:38,250
kiss, and Sister, Sister, I

791
00:19:38,250 --> 00:19:40,060
never knew how much I missed

792
00:19:40,060 --> 00:19:40,800
her.

793
00:19:40,800 --> 00:19:42,260
In olden times, of course,

794
00:19:42,260 --> 00:19:43,630
these lambs would have been

795
00:19:43,630 --> 00:19:45,000
sliced as a sacrifice to the

796
00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:46,800
Lord. Today they're blessed.

797
00:19:46,800 --> 00:19:48,940
Oh, a cheeky little kiss of the

798
00:19:48,940 --> 00:19:51,180
ring there by Caruso, the great

799
00:19:51,180 --> 00:19:53,400
baritone, as we fall silent now

800
00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:55,800
for the blessing of the lambs.

801
00:19:55,800 --> 00:19:56,800
Amen.

802
00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:58,570
We are the principal of the

803
00:19:58,570 --> 00:20:00,360
pastoral, the name of the

804
00:20:00,360 --> 00:20:02,380
Benedictine, the name of the

805
00:20:02,380 --> 00:20:04,330
Holy Spirit, and the name of

806
00:20:04,330 --> 00:20:05,800
the Holy Spirit.

807
00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:06,800
Amen.

808
00:20:06,800 --> 00:20:08,710
It's good. And was it ever in

809
00:20:08,710 --> 00:20:09,850
any doubt, as Pope San

810
00:20:09,850 --> 00:20:11,390
Francisco gives the Cucicu of

811
00:20:11,390 --> 00:20:13,290
mercy to the young lamb, now a

812
00:20:13,290 --> 00:20:14,800
lamb of God.

813
00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:16,000
And this is Pope's third

814
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:17,440
successful blessing in a row

815
00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:18,940
since assuming office. He

816
00:20:18,940 --> 00:20:20,800
really has a way with his flock.

817
00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:22,010
He moves on to lamb of God

818
00:20:22,010 --> 00:20:23,650
number two here, Cucicu behind

819
00:20:23,650 --> 00:20:25,400
the ear, quick check for nits,

820
00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:26,920
sensual sweep of the forelock,

821
00:20:26,920 --> 00:20:28,800
which he gets right every time.

822
00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:31,310
What's that you say? A hotel

823
00:20:31,310 --> 00:20:33,800
ran completely by robots?

824
00:20:35,800 --> 00:20:37,640
I don't believe it. It's like I'm

825
00:20:37,640 --> 00:20:39,220
living in the future, but it's

826
00:20:39,220 --> 00:20:40,330
now. And if I'm to be

827
00:20:40,330 --> 00:20:42,020
completely honest, it's not as

828
00:20:42,020 --> 00:20:43,470
good as I thought the future

829
00:20:43,470 --> 00:20:44,800
would have been.

830
00:20:44,800 --> 00:20:46,520
The Japanese have a rich

831
00:20:46,520 --> 00:20:48,310
heritage, you know, rich

832
00:20:48,310 --> 00:20:50,220
culture and history and all

833
00:20:50,220 --> 00:20:50,800
that.

834
00:20:50,800 --> 00:20:52,800
But where did it all go wrong?

835
00:20:52,800 --> 00:20:54,370
You know, they seem to be

836
00:20:54,370 --> 00:20:56,950
obsessed nowadays with daft shite.

837
00:20:56,950 --> 00:20:58,340
You know, they used to have

838
00:20:58,340 --> 00:21:00,080
samurai and ninjas and fucking

839
00:21:00,080 --> 00:21:00,800
geishas.

840
00:21:00,800 --> 00:21:02,670
Not anymore, it seems. You know,

841
00:21:02,670 --> 00:21:04,340
and even if there were samurai,

842
00:21:04,340 --> 00:21:05,570
what would the samurai be

843
00:21:05,570 --> 00:21:08,180
fighting exactly? That. A

844
00:21:08,180 --> 00:21:09,910
machine which carries bags.

845
00:21:09,910 --> 00:21:10,800
Fuck off.

846
00:21:11,800 --> 00:21:12,820
Hello. Yes, I'd like to

847
00:21:12,820 --> 00:21:13,920
complain about the level of

848
00:21:13,920 --> 00:21:15,090
noise in the room next to me.

849
00:21:15,090 --> 00:21:16,170
Can I speak to the manager,

850
00:21:16,170 --> 00:21:16,800
please?

851
00:21:17,800 --> 00:21:18,180
Oh, the manager is a T-Rex.

852
00:21:18,180 --> 00:21:19,740
Right. I don't think he's going

853
00:21:19,740 --> 00:21:21,020
to be able to help me resolve

854
00:21:21,020 --> 00:21:21,800
the issue.

855
00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:24,770
Yeah, could you get me a human,

856
00:21:24,770 --> 00:21:25,800
please?

857
00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:28,070
Back in Switzerland now. And

858
00:21:28,070 --> 00:21:30,450
they're flying the balloons.

859
00:21:30,450 --> 00:21:33,010
They're pulling on cords. The

860
00:21:33,010 --> 00:21:34,980
flags are out. The sponsors are

861
00:21:34,980 --> 00:21:36,800
on the side of the balloons.

862
00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:41,670
What a waste of time. And they're

863
00:21:41,670 --> 00:21:44,460
even bigger time wasters. They're

864
00:21:44,460 --> 00:21:46,830
preserving their wasted time

865
00:21:46,830 --> 00:21:47,800
forever.

866
00:21:49,800 --> 00:21:50,200
That man there has spent a lot

867
00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:52,810
of money preserving this waste

868
00:21:52,810 --> 00:21:53,800
of time.

869
00:21:53,800 --> 00:21:55,690
See you next time for more

870
00:21:55,690 --> 00:21:56,800
world news.

871
00:21:56,800 --> 00:21:58,800
.

872
00:21:58,800 --> 00:22:28,780
Thank you.