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Angela Merkel leaves her

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cottage every day to stand

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behind a green fence.

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What's she doing there? What's

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her business there?

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Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah.

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She might be soft as shite on

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the Schengen zone, but make no

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mistake, Merkel would shank you.

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Ireland now, where one of the

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largest collections of Nazi

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memorabilia is going on sale.

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Items include some lovely

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helmets and some R-swipe.

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This is a piece of German wartime

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memorabilia that certainly I've

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never come across before.

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It's closet paper as issued to

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the Wehrmacht.

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The collector who assembled

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this collection, he's an Irishman.

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Hitler was fantastic. He loved

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Wagner and Nietzsche.

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You know, the boys, the rabble-rousers.

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Our estimates are total around

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€30,000 for the collection as

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it stands.

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Christ! Loved everything about

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it. Loved everything about it.

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In the end, he had to bury

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everyone in the ditch on fire

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with himself that he shot.

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I'm a lovely gimp.

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The state of young people. The

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9-11 generation.

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All staring at their screens

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plugged into Mark Zuckerberg's

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blue pill matrix.

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And what are they doing?

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Cueing to stick their roping

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arms into a glory hole where

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they'll get stamped with a

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tattoo.

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Wow!

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Jesus, not that good.

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It's like once-in-a-lifetime

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opportunity for this.

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The reality is, it's a multiple

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chance-in-a-lifetime

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opportunity.

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You know, when I see tattoos on

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people, it just says to me, I'm

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out of ideas.

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The well has run dry, and I'm

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going throwing the rest of the

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chips on a skeleton holding a

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daisy.

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Hello?

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Yeah, Mozart.

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Yeah?

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Yeah, Chopin's after you.

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Was?

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Chopin's gonna smash your head

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in hay.

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Vestas.

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Watch your back for Chopin.

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Are you deaf, are you?

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Yeah, yeah.

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Ooh, what's this?

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Well, I'm not that fucking

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idiot again.

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Nice beat.

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Derivative, though.

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He's doing the same fucking

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thing as the uptown funk.

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Fair play to him, pretending to

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be Michael Jackson.

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But Kendrick, isn't it?

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So many pretty girls are on me,

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and they're waking up the rock.

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King Cuntish.

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Bruno Mars, how are things?

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I have a business proposition

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for you.

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It's an advert for washing up

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liquid or a bar of soap.

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You've got a sexy woman, she's

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washing herself and her body.

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It's tough on grease.

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And then the sexy woman says,

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Don't believe me, just wash.

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Don't believe me, just wash.

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The advert will be aimed at

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cleaners, the female market,

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mostly the lower classes.

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Because they love chart music,

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and they're easily hoodwicked

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by cheap and nasty commercials,

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such as the one I am proposing

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for you, Bruno.

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Come with me on this journey.

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Please, Bruno.

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Please.

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I'll fucking smash your face in,

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Bruno.

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Cool internet sites.

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The lad bible has turned itself

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around in recent times,

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from having the personality of

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a sex pest,

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to that of a caring member of

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the community,

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who likes to talk about mental

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health issues,

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and shit like that, that's

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algorithmically monetizable.

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Any road, I was scrolling

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through their shite the other

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day,

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when I found a video I'd made

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four years ago,

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which had been rebranded,

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and then credited,

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to someone called Steve-o the

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madman.

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Four million views, yeah?

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You fucking scum.

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Cool internet sites.

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Scenario.

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It can be up its own hole,

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but in fairness,

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it was the only UK paper to

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report about the Brexit mindset,

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which is, uh,

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taking control of the borders,

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over into Irish territory,

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where you're gonna be screening

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migrants in Ireland.

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That's nice.

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We cannot descend into a

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society

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based on suspicion,

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and xenophobia,

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and all the racism that comes

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from it.

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A 999 emergency?

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Hello, yes,

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is that the police?

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It is, darling.

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What's your location?

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Listen, I'm suspicious,

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xenophobic,

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and I'm feeling a little bit

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racist.

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Right.

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I had a dream,

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and it was about a migrant,

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who was in my back garden,

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and he broke into my garden.

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I'm sorry, sir,

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is this an emergency?

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It was a dream,

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it was a premonition, right?

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And they were building forts,

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the migrants had got to the

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stage,

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where they were building forts

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in the garden.

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They crawled around faster,

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they could crawl faster than

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humans could run,

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these migrants,

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and they developed senses to

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find clothes on washing lines

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and that,

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and they'd started to crawl

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into gardens to steal the

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clothes and all that.

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Are you with me?

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I'm afraid it's a criminal offence,

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sir,

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to waste police time.

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I'm not wasting your time.

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All right,

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I'm telling you,

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listen to the way the dream

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ends.

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He went to grab a pair of undies,

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and he got spooked and ran away.

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We just need to control borders,

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is what I'm saying.

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We need to keep them controlled

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and tight.

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I'm sorry, sir,

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we're going to have to leave it.

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Sorry.

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We need to control the borders,

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please.