1
00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,660
You know in music we take

2
00:00:01,660 --> 00:00:03,080
something that we love and we

3
00:00:03,080 --> 00:00:04,880
build on it. I'd like to play a

4
00:00:04,880 --> 00:00:05,640
song for you.

5
00:00:10,560 --> 00:00:14,840
I'm a chancer. I'm a chancer. I'm

6
00:00:14,840 --> 00:00:18,050
a chancer. Thank you very much.

7
00:00:18,050 --> 00:00:19,120
Thank you.

8
00:00:20,400 --> 00:00:23,190
World News. An oversized human

9
00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:25,250
scrotum has gained independence

10
00:00:25,250 --> 00:00:27,400
this week from its host's body.

11
00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:29,290
It's now living the dream being

12
00:00:29,290 --> 00:00:31,840
massaged 24/7 by a lady's hands.

13
00:00:31,840 --> 00:00:33,540
The scrotum which separated

14
00:00:33,540 --> 00:00:35,360
from its previous owner after a

15
00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:37,190
row has since developed a micro

16
00:00:37,190 --> 00:00:39,040
penis like head which retracts

17
00:00:39,040 --> 00:00:40,560
when spooked or cold.

18
00:00:41,880 --> 00:00:42,650
Papa San Francisco himself

19
00:00:42,650 --> 00:00:44,920
found time to visit Argentina

20
00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:47,530
the other day meeting Maradona.

21
00:00:47,530 --> 00:00:50,160
I don't know why. Maybe because

22
00:00:50,160 --> 00:00:52,250
he has the hand of God or maybe

23
00:00:52,250 --> 00:00:54,010
because his name sounds like

24
00:00:54,010 --> 00:00:54,800
Madonna.

25
00:00:54,800 --> 00:00:56,770
Madonna. Which was Jesus's

26
00:00:56,770 --> 00:00:59,050
mother. If you vote for Hillary

27
00:00:59,050 --> 00:01:01,520
Clinton I will give you a blowjob.

28
00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:03,250
Jesus. Imagine if that was your

29
00:01:03,250 --> 00:01:05,330
mother. I'm not surprised Guy Ritchie

30
00:01:05,330 --> 00:01:07,050
won custody of the kid. She's

31
00:01:07,050 --> 00:01:07,960
off her rocko.

32
00:01:07,960 --> 00:01:09,890
In a Halloween exclusive we

33
00:01:09,890 --> 00:01:12,360
caught up with editor of the Spooky

34
00:01:12,360 --> 00:01:13,840
Times Gary Ghost.

35
00:01:13,840 --> 00:01:16,890
How are you doing? Russia Today!

36
00:01:16,890 --> 00:01:19,450
I think he's right about a lot

37
00:01:19,450 --> 00:01:20,840
of the things he's saying

38
00:01:20,840 --> 00:01:22,620
about politics. He's right to

39
00:01:22,620 --> 00:01:24,190
attack Hillary. He's right to

40
00:01:24,190 --> 00:01:25,380
say that she's a career

41
00:01:25,380 --> 00:01:26,120
politician.

42
00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:28,090
But he made a mistake didn't he?

43
00:01:28,090 --> 00:01:29,700
He said he was going to grab a

44
00:01:29,700 --> 00:01:31,300
woman by the tuppence.

45
00:01:31,300 --> 00:01:32,950
A gentleman wouldn't say that

46
00:01:32,950 --> 00:01:34,730
sort of stuff. Then you've got

47
00:01:34,730 --> 00:01:36,520
Hillary. Her husband Bill,

48
00:01:36,520 --> 00:01:37,830
he did the good deed with the

49
00:01:37,830 --> 00:01:39,250
bad leg. With a young lass in

50
00:01:39,250 --> 00:01:40,840
the Oval Office. Cigars and

51
00:01:40,840 --> 00:01:41,520
everything.

52
00:01:41,520 --> 00:01:42,560
That ain't out to do with

53
00:01:42,560 --> 00:01:44,050
Hillary. But I will say this.

54
00:01:44,050 --> 00:01:45,430
Because there's a lot of people

55
00:01:45,430 --> 00:01:46,520
dying on her watch.

56
00:01:46,520 --> 00:01:51,520
Suicides. What about Ben Garzy?

57
00:01:51,520 --> 00:01:53,800
How many people does it take to

58
00:01:53,800 --> 00:01:56,590
change a light bulb? The answer

59
00:01:56,590 --> 00:01:59,390
is none anymore. Robots can do

60
00:01:59,390 --> 00:02:00,520
the job for us.

61
00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:02,080
And isn't it amazing that they

62
00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:03,720
can as well? For a while these

63
00:02:03,720 --> 00:02:05,080
things were used to just

64
00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:06,740
massacre shepherds out in the

65
00:02:06,740 --> 00:02:08,510
Middle East. But now they can

66
00:02:08,510 --> 00:02:10,080
do cool tricks like this.

67
00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:11,460
Way to go technology. What will

68
00:02:11,460 --> 00:02:12,080
you do next?

69
00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:16,230
A freedom fighter stands on a

70
00:02:16,230 --> 00:02:20,710
van. Firing volleys of shots

71
00:02:20,710 --> 00:02:24,330
into a desert of pain. A

72
00:02:24,330 --> 00:02:27,780
metaphor perhaps. For the pain

73
00:02:27,780 --> 00:02:29,200
endured in the desert. At the

74
00:02:29,200 --> 00:02:30,860
hands of other freedom fighters.

75
00:02:30,860 --> 00:02:32,230
There's so many of them now.

76
00:02:32,230 --> 00:02:33,080
Isn't there?

77
00:02:33,080 --> 00:02:34,130
Now it's time for today's

78
00:02:34,130 --> 00:02:35,080
freedom fighters.

79
00:02:35,080 --> 00:02:38,080
Syrian Arab army. Hezbollah.

80
00:02:38,080 --> 00:02:39,080
Hezbollah.

81
00:02:39,080 --> 00:02:40,080
Hezbollah al-Nujaba.

82
00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:41,080
Yaish al-Fatih.

83
00:02:41,080 --> 00:02:42,080
Yabat Fatih al-Sham.

84
00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:43,080
Hezbollah al-Sham al-Islamia.

85
00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:44,080
And Jund al-Aqasa.

86
00:02:44,080 --> 00:02:44,610
And that concludes today's

87
00:02:44,610 --> 00:02:45,080
freedom fighters.

88
00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:46,350
It's messed up in Syria. I'm

89
00:02:46,350 --> 00:02:48,890
not gonna lie. It's very poorly

90
00:02:48,890 --> 00:02:51,570
over there at the moment. Very

91
00:02:51,570 --> 00:02:53,430
poorly. A lot of migrants

92
00:02:53,430 --> 00:02:55,680
coming into Europe. I don't

93
00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:58,050
have any problem with them. I

94
00:02:58,050 --> 00:03:00,080
was a migrant myself. It don't

95
00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:00,080
matter to me what you are. It

96
00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:00,080
could be black, brown, white,

97
00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:00,080
lesbian, gay, dansexual,

98
00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:00,080
transgender, transmorgified.

99
00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:07,520
Trans-siberian railway. It don't

100
00:03:07,520 --> 00:03:14,500
matter to me. Alright? You can

101
00:03:14,500 --> 00:03:21,080
come in. But you gotta work!

102
00:03:21,080 --> 00:03:22,890
Radical feminists were at it

103
00:03:22,890 --> 00:03:24,860
again. Utilizing the female

104
00:03:24,860 --> 00:03:26,610
form to spread a subversive

105
00:03:26,610 --> 00:03:28,730
message. Knowing full well the

106
00:03:28,730 --> 00:03:30,630
patriarchal media men will be

107
00:03:30,630 --> 00:03:32,600
tantalized by the superficial

108
00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:34,660
titillation into broadcasting

109
00:03:34,660 --> 00:03:37,080
the footage to a wider audience.

110
00:03:37,080 --> 00:03:38,920
And it works, you know. It

111
00:03:38,920 --> 00:03:40,560
bloody works. Cause I don't

112
00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:41,410
even know what they're

113
00:03:41,410 --> 00:03:42,480
protesting about, but it's

114
00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:43,080
brilliant!

115
00:03:43,080 --> 00:03:44,680
There was a SWAT team there in

116
00:03:44,680 --> 00:03:46,290
Russia the last week. And I

117
00:03:46,290 --> 00:03:48,290
know this is Russia today. But

118
00:03:48,290 --> 00:03:50,360
I have to speak up against it.

119
00:03:50,360 --> 00:03:52,280
It was pretty bad form. They

120
00:03:52,280 --> 00:03:53,550
went into a gaff, grabbed some

121
00:03:53,550 --> 00:03:54,870
poor lad on a bed, punched him

122
00:03:54,870 --> 00:03:56,220
three times in the head, fucked

123
00:03:56,220 --> 00:03:57,080
him out the window.

124
00:03:57,080 --> 00:03:58,820
Come on, Russia! The poor lad

125
00:03:58,820 --> 00:04:00,080
didn't do anything!

126
00:04:00,080 --> 00:04:01,830
Some clowns over in the States

127
00:04:01,830 --> 00:04:03,510
have made a giant Ouija board

128
00:04:03,510 --> 00:04:05,080
on the top of their gaff.

129
00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:06,900
Nothing too serious. We're just

130
00:04:06,900 --> 00:04:08,080
pushing it around.

131
00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:09,920
I can see that, yeah. But what's

132
00:04:09,920 --> 00:04:11,580
the fucking point? Have you no

133
00:04:11,580 --> 00:04:12,080
work?

134
00:04:12,080 --> 00:04:14,170
The first person we're gonna

135
00:04:14,170 --> 00:04:16,080
contact is David Bowie.

136
00:04:16,080 --> 00:04:17,970
I think Bowie's got bigger fish

137
00:04:17,970 --> 00:04:19,970
to fry, man. Doubt he has time

138
00:04:19,970 --> 00:04:22,040
for that. Couldn't even be ours

139
00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:24,080
sewing the wheel on properly.

140
00:04:24,080 --> 00:04:26,490
What are you doing? You're

141
00:04:26,490 --> 00:04:28,080
rolling over, Sneezy!

142
00:04:28,080 --> 00:04:30,080
Ah!

143
00:04:30,080 --> 00:04:33,360
Oh, he's the one bit of fucking

144
00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:36,350
light I have in my life. Cause

145
00:04:36,350 --> 00:04:37,810
to be honest with you, I've had

146
00:04:37,810 --> 00:04:38,970
it up to here. And I've been

147
00:04:38,970 --> 00:04:40,080
getting thoughts.

148
00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:43,080
Come on now, it's time to go.

149
00:04:43,080 --> 00:04:44,970
Oh, the news has got me right

150
00:04:44,970 --> 00:04:47,080
mad now. I'm a bit wound up.

151
00:04:47,080 --> 00:04:48,090
I'm sure today was a lovely

152
00:04:48,090 --> 00:04:49,300
meeting. You don't fall down

153
00:04:49,300 --> 00:04:50,340
Steph, you'll break your

154
00:04:50,340 --> 00:04:51,080
fucking neck.

155
00:04:51,080 --> 00:04:54,080
Alright, see you later. Bye bye.

156
00:04:54,080 --> 00:04:55,080
Bye bye.

157
00:04:55,080 --> 00:04:56,080
Bye bye.

158
00:04:56,080 --> 00:04:58,080
Bye bye.

159
00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:00,080
Bye bye.

160
00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:30,060
Thank you.