1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,860 And what they did was they'd 2 00:00:01,860 --> 00:00:03,600 put all the opponents of the 3 00:00:03,600 --> 00:00:05,340 regime on a train, or 4 00:00:05,340 --> 00:00:07,480 immigrants or dodgy people, and 5 00:00:07,480 --> 00:00:08,900 they'd send them off to a labor 6 00:00:08,900 --> 00:00:09,380 camp. 7 00:00:09,840 --> 00:00:11,160 And then they'd be forced to do 8 00:00:11,160 --> 00:00:12,840 work there, or if they were 9 00:00:12,840 --> 00:00:14,840 that weak, they'd die. Do you 10 00:00:14,840 --> 00:00:15,140 know? 11 00:00:15,360 --> 00:00:16,240 Great system, isn't it? 12 00:00:16,260 --> 00:00:16,760 Yeah, it was easy. 13 00:00:17,020 --> 00:00:18,200 Happy New Year! 14 00:00:19,880 --> 00:00:21,120 2017 arrived amid whoops and 15 00:00:21,120 --> 00:00:22,950 cheers as a massive ball 16 00:00:22,950 --> 00:00:25,320 dropped over Times Square. 17 00:00:25,900 --> 00:00:26,750 I haven't been that excited 18 00:00:26,750 --> 00:00:28,360 since my own balls dropped. 19 00:00:28,360 --> 00:00:29,710 Back in the day when I used to 20 00:00:29,710 --> 00:00:31,180 watch Mariah Carey videos, who 21 00:00:31,180 --> 00:00:32,770 coincidentally dropped the ball 22 00:00:32,770 --> 00:00:34,130 while performing at the ball 23 00:00:34,130 --> 00:00:34,660 drop. 24 00:00:40,340 --> 00:00:41,620 What a balls up! 25 00:00:41,740 --> 00:00:43,180 Meanwhile in Europe, we don't 26 00:00:43,180 --> 00:00:44,820 have balls, only fireworks. 27 00:00:45,080 --> 00:00:46,240 And each time one goes off, we 28 00:00:46,240 --> 00:00:47,760 get scared, because it could be 29 00:00:47,760 --> 00:00:48,860 the boom boom boys. 30 00:00:49,060 --> 00:00:50,510 Thankfully, Europe took ominous 31 00:00:50,510 --> 00:00:51,890 preventative measures such as 32 00:00:51,890 --> 00:00:53,510 scary men and concrete, so that 33 00:00:53,510 --> 00:00:55,180 when the clock struck 12, 34 00:00:55,180 --> 00:00:56,440 nobody got hebdoed. 35 00:00:56,440 --> 00:00:57,280 For an hour. 36 00:00:57,380 --> 00:00:58,790 The gunman has killed at least 37 00:00:58,790 --> 00:01:00,370 39 people and injured dozens 38 00:01:00,370 --> 00:01:00,800 more. 39 00:01:00,920 --> 00:01:02,680 39 killed in Istanbul. 40 00:01:03,180 --> 00:01:03,900 Which is in Turkey. 41 00:01:04,060 --> 00:01:04,740 Which is in Europe. 42 00:01:04,920 --> 00:01:05,850 But the far edge of Europe, so 43 00:01:05,850 --> 00:01:06,870 the media didn't dwell on it 44 00:01:06,870 --> 00:01:07,940 too much, and we more or less 45 00:01:07,940 --> 00:01:09,050 went back to normal after a few 46 00:01:09,050 --> 00:01:09,440 days. 47 00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:10,100 The Queen. 48 00:01:10,100 --> 00:01:11,690 No one's seen her recently. Is 49 00:01:11,690 --> 00:01:12,600 she alright, is she? 50 00:01:12,600 --> 00:01:13,100 The Queen. 51 00:01:13,100 --> 00:01:14,590 Does she have the cold or is it 52 00:01:14,590 --> 00:01:15,700 something worse? 53 00:01:15,700 --> 00:01:16,240 The Queen. 54 00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:18,020 I heard there was a media blackout 55 00:01:18,020 --> 00:01:19,340 because she's gonzo. 56 00:01:19,340 --> 00:01:21,680 Pending your love out to the 57 00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:22,520 Queen. 58 00:01:22,520 --> 00:01:23,950 Hope that you're not dead and 59 00:01:23,950 --> 00:01:24,980 that you're okay. 60 00:01:24,980 --> 00:01:26,700 Optimus Prime has become an 61 00:01:26,700 --> 00:01:27,600 alcoholic. 62 00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:30,360 Don't you fucking start with me. 63 00:01:30,360 --> 00:01:31,720 You're where I'll make your 64 00:01:31,720 --> 00:01:33,120 life fucking nightmare. 65 00:01:33,120 --> 00:01:34,400 The tragic robot has been 66 00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:35,890 revealed to be living in some 67 00:01:35,890 --> 00:01:37,920 shithole just outside Doncaster. 68 00:01:37,920 --> 00:01:40,140 I'm telling you that Michael 69 00:01:40,140 --> 00:01:42,440 Bay, Shia LaBeouf, and Mark 70 00:01:42,440 --> 00:01:44,760 Wahlberg are a pack of fucking 71 00:01:44,760 --> 00:01:45,880 rent boys. 72 00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:48,010 Brazilian midfielder Oscar has 73 00:01:48,010 --> 00:01:49,730 moved to Shanghai FC to play 74 00:01:49,730 --> 00:01:50,840 for them now. 75 00:01:50,980 --> 00:01:52,820 Even though it's a shite league, 76 00:01:52,820 --> 00:01:54,290 he's thrown all his chips on a 77 00:01:54,290 --> 00:01:55,620 Chinese takeaway. 78 00:01:55,620 --> 00:01:57,150 And I tell you this, it's not 79 00:01:57,150 --> 00:01:58,560 just a bag of chicken balls and 80 00:01:58,560 --> 00:02:00,040 a fucking three-in-one. 81 00:02:00,040 --> 00:02:01,800 Fuckers on Kung Po money, man. 82 00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:03,470 500k a week to make sure a 83 00:02:03,470 --> 00:02:05,080 fucking ball of leather finds 84 00:02:05,080 --> 00:02:06,680 its way into an onion sack. 85 00:02:06,680 --> 00:02:08,250 The Chinese mob threw flowers 86 00:02:08,250 --> 00:02:09,950 at the midfielder who struggled 87 00:02:09,950 --> 00:02:11,720 to maintain composure and ended 88 00:02:11,720 --> 00:02:12,800 up looking mithered. 89 00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:13,900 Just think of the money, Oscar. 90 00:02:13,900 --> 00:02:15,490 Plus you're only two hours away 91 00:02:15,490 --> 00:02:17,290 from Beijing, home of the world's 92 00:02:17,290 --> 00:02:18,060 best smog. 93 00:02:18,060 --> 00:02:19,100 Just keep thinking of the money, 94 00:02:19,100 --> 00:02:20,020 Oscar. It'll be grand. 95 00:02:20,020 --> 00:02:21,580 The dog market looks nice. 96 00:02:21,580 --> 00:02:23,380 500k a week, it's silly money, 97 00:02:23,380 --> 00:02:23,760 man. 98 00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:25,820 Out to buy now, the National Geographic 99 00:02:25,820 --> 00:02:27,360 gender revolution issue. 100 00:02:27,360 --> 00:02:28,240 What happened to the 101 00:02:28,240 --> 00:02:29,540 photographs of mountains and 102 00:02:29,540 --> 00:02:30,800 landscapes and animals? 103 00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:32,500 Where's the Nat Geo's gender 104 00:02:32,500 --> 00:02:34,260 agenda gonna take us next? 105 00:02:34,260 --> 00:02:36,320 Well, not much happens on the 106 00:02:36,320 --> 00:02:37,520 chicken farm. 107 00:02:37,520 --> 00:02:39,820 Buk buk buk buk buk buk buk. 108 00:02:39,820 --> 00:02:42,000 The news took us by surprise. 109 00:02:42,000 --> 00:02:44,560 I'm not birate. Buk buk buk buk 110 00:02:44,560 --> 00:02:45,200 buk. 111 00:02:45,200 --> 00:02:47,520 Fuck you. Buk buk buk buk. Fuck 112 00:02:47,520 --> 00:02:48,000 you. 113 00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:49,790 The big cock on campus didn't 114 00:02:49,790 --> 00:02:50,940 know what to do. 115 00:02:50,940 --> 00:02:52,440 his chickens had turned into 116 00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:54,320 cringe compilation chickens. 117 00:02:55,140 --> 00:03:03,600 But, but, but, but, but. 118 00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:04,080 What? 119 00:03:04,260 --> 00:03:06,490 I think we can insulate and 120 00:03:06,490 --> 00:03:08,200 isolate and wrap people up in 121 00:03:08,200 --> 00:03:09,060 cotton wool. 122 00:03:09,300 --> 00:03:10,420 But they're immigrants, though. 123 00:03:10,420 --> 00:03:11,460 I don't know if they deserve 124 00:03:11,460 --> 00:03:11,980 cotton wool. 125 00:03:12,720 --> 00:03:14,480 Like, I thought you were with 126 00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:17,220 me on the immigrants, Nigel. 127 00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:18,290 Nick, I said earlier in the 128 00:03:18,290 --> 00:03:18,620 show, 129 00:03:18,780 --> 00:03:20,760 I just, I'm utterly contemptuous 130 00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:21,920 of these people.